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Help when you can’t agree

When you have a child, it’s important to discuss and agree on certain things with the other parent. For single parents, this often includes arranging how and when the child will spend time with the other parent.

This can be difficult and, at times, emotionally draining, especially when it feels like you’re getting nowhere. However, there are ways to get help with communication and finding common ground with your child’s other parent, even if you have differing perspectives.

Mediation

Negotiating through a solicitor

Family arbitration

Asking a family court to decide

Useful links

If you can’t negotiate with your child’s other parent because they‘ve threatened or been violent to you or your child, get legal help. It’s important to know your rights and what support you can get, including help with legal fees.

Mediation

Mediation involves working through issues together with the support of a trained mediator. They ensure that both parents have the opportunity to express their views while guiding the conversation. The mediator won’t take sides or offer advice, and mediation isn’t the same as counselling. They will keep the discussion focused and fair. If the matters involve your child, the mediator may speak with your child, but only if it’s appropriate and both parents agree.

When is it helpful?

Mediation is most effective when both parents want to find a solution but struggle to agree due to differing views. It is often quicker and more affordable than negotiating through a solicitor or going to court. However, it may not be suitable if there has been domestic, emotional, or financial abuse.

No one can be forced into mediation, but if the matter goes to court, you typically need to show that you’ve had at least one mediation session. There are exceptions to this, such as in cases involving domestic abuse.

While a mediator won’t provide legal advice, they will let you know if they think you need it. They can also offer information about local family solicitors and guide you on how to choose one.

Is it legally binding?

If you reach an agreement, the mediator will create a document called a memorandum of understanding. While this isn’t legally binding, if you have an agreement about money or property that you want to make binding, you can ask the court to turn it into a consent order. The court will review the agreement to ensure it’s fair before making it official.

Obtaining a consent order typically costs £58, but it may be less if you’re on a low income.

Practicalities

Mediation typically takes place in person, but if one parent lives abroad or is unable to attend due to physical limitations, online mediation is an option. Most people need between 3 to 5 sessions to resolve issues, although this can vary.

Costs also vary, so it’s important to check the fees and agree on payment arrangements before starting. If you’re on a low income, you may be eligible for free mediation sessions and legal advice through legal aid. You might also qualify for £500 to help cover mediation costs through the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme.

You can find a local mediator through the Family Mediation Council.

Suzie’s story

Hear single mum Suzie talk about her experience of mediation (from Family Mediators Association)

Negotating through a solicitor

If mediation doesn’t work or isn’t an option, you can ask a family law solicitor to negotiate on your behalf.

The solicitor will provide guidance on how to proceed, but ultimately, you will decide what steps to take. They may suggest meeting with your child’s other parent and their solicitor in person to try to reach an agreement.

The costs for this can accumulate, and legal aid for family matters is typically only available if there has been domestic violence or if your case is deemed exceptional for other reasons.

You can find family law solicitors who take a non-confrontational, constructive approach through Resolution.

Family arbitration

Arbitration is similar to going to court, but instead of a judge, a neutral and impartial arbitrator makes the final decision. You and the other parent can choose the arbitrator, the location of the hearing, and the specific issues to focus on.

Arbitration is legally binding, meaning you must follow the arbitrator’s decision. While it can be more expensive than other options and is not eligible for legal aid, it is often quicker and less costly than going to court.

The Institute of Family Law Arbitrators provides more information about how arbitration works and how to find an arbitrator.

Asking a family court to decide

Going to court should be considered a last resort. It can be expensive, stressful, and time-consuming, and there’s no guarantee you’ll get the outcome you want.

Before applying for a court order, you typically need to attend at least one Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM). If there has been domestic abuse, this requirement may be waived.

The court will encourage you to reach an agreement first. If that’s not possible, the court may issue an order. The most common court orders related to children include:

  • Parental responsibility order – gives a parent or carer the legal rights and responsibilities of a parent. See our page on parental responsibility for more
  • Child arrangements order – sets out when a child sees and stays with a particular person, usually a parent. See our page on child contact arrangements for more
  • Specific issue order – decides a particular point of disagreement, like a child’s school or religion
  • Prohibited steps order – stops a person doing something with or to a child, for example, taking a child abroad or picking them up from school
What the court considers

The court always prioritises the child’s needs. It will only issue an order if it believes it is in the child’s best interests. This is referred to as “the welfare principle.”

When determining what’s best for the child, the court considers a variety of factors, known as the “welfare checklist.” These are the key considerations:

  • The child’s wishes and feelings, taking into account their age and level of understanding
  • The child’s physical, emotional, and educational needs
  • The potential impact on the child of any changes
  • The child’s age, sex, background, and any other relevant factors
  • The risk of harm to the child
  • The ability of each parent (or other relevant person) to meet the child’s needs
  • The powers available to the court

If you’re thinking about applying for a court order or if your child’s other parent has applied for one, it’s a good idea to seek legal advice. If you can’t afford it, check if you’re eligible for legal aid. You can also find free legal advice through organizations like Child Law Advice and Rights of Women.

Useful links

Guidance on parenting apart (The Centre for Separated Families)

Survival guide to family mediation (Advicenow)

All about family mediation (National Family Mediation)

FAQs about family mediation (Family Mediators Association)

About arbitration (Institute of Family Law Arbitrators)

Find a family law solicitor (Resolution)

All about family law (Child Law Advice Service)

Family law advice line for women (Rights of Women)

Legal help when there’s domestic abuse (Refuge)

Date last updated: 7 April 2025

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