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Deciding where your child should live

Key words

Parent with care or resident parent

The parent who lives with their child most of the time.

Non-resident parent

The parent who does not live with their child most of the time.

Shared care

A term used to describe a situation where a child spends time living with both parents in different households. Your child does not necessarily have to spend an equal amount of time in each household but shared care usually means that the child spends some nights sleeping in each home.

Residence

A term used to describe where a child will live for the majority of the time.

Contact or access

These two words mean the same thing. Access is the old legal term for the time a child spends with the parent they do not live with most of the time. Contact is the new legal term for the same thing.

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Deciding where your child should live

Deciding what will work

There are no set rules about where a child should live and it is up to you and the other parent to decide what will work.

A shared care arrangement, where your child spends time and sleeps over at both parents’ homes on a regular basis, may be suitable for some parents, but not others. Instead, you may decide that your child will live with one parent all or most of the time and make visits to see their other parent.

If your child normally lives with you, the time they spend with their other parent is called contact. Contact may include days out, holidays and visits to the non-resident parent’s home.

Things to consider

When deciding where your child will live, consider the following:

• The age of your child. For example, a newborn baby needs to make a bond with their main carer and have a routine. It may not be practical to split their time equally between two parents
• If your child is old enough and mature enough to make their own decision. Talk to your child about their wishes and feelings but remember that they may not be mature enough to decide what is in their best interests
• Your child’s personality. Some children enjoy moving from one home to another, others may find it difficult
• Where your child goes to school and whether both parents can easily make the journey there
• Where your children’s friends and other relatives live and how you will help your child to continue seeing them
• Whether your child has any special classes or out-of-school activities and whether both parents can easily make the journey there.

Sharing care

A shared care agreement, where your child spends time living with both you and their other parent will work better if:

• You live reasonably close to each other
• You can communicate well with each other about day-to-day issues, for example whether the child’s PE kit is in the right home when needed
• It is clear what each parent’s responsibilities are. For example, who is responsible for keeping health appointments and arranging haircuts for the child? Generally, one parent will take on more of these responsibilities than the other
• You can both be flexible about changes to arrangements, for example when there are birthday parties your child wants to attend or your child is ill.

Note: Sharing the care of your child may affect your benefits and tax credits. It may also reduce the level of child support the non-resident parent is required to pay you. Call the Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline free on 0808 802 0925 for more information.

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Deciding where your child should live

Reaching an agreement

Be flexible

It can be difficult to reach an agreement with your child’s other parent and it may take time to reach an arrangement that suits everyone. Try to be flexible when negotiating. Suggest as many different options as you can for how and when your child should spend time with each of you. Think about any practical problems and possible solutions.

Focus on your child’s needs

Try to remember that the focus of your discussions is your child and you should be working out what is in their best interests. If your child is old enough, talk to them about their wishes and feelings. If your child is young, they may not be mature enough to make decisions about what is in their best interests, so you may have to talk to your child about why certain decisions have been made.

Children may frequently change their minds about where they want to live or not want to choose between their parents. For these reasons it may be better not to ask a child to make a decision.

Review arrangements

Decisions about where your child lives and when they spend time with each of you do not have to be fixed forever. If you are struggling to reach an agreement or are not sure what will work, suggest trying an arrangement for a few months and set a date to review it.

You should also be prepared to review arrangements as your child grows up or circumstances change. For example, teenagers may move between parents’ homes more often or have strong views on their preferred arrangements. If there is no court order in place for residence then arrangements can be changed at any time, as long as both parents are happy with the change. If there is a residence order see Asking the court to decide.

Mediation

If both you and your child’s other parent are willing to try to come to an agreement but find it difficult to talk things through alone together, mediation may be helpful.

Mediation is not legal advice, it helps people resolve their differences and reach an agreement about practical matters. Mediation is not counselling and will not focus on resolving emotional issues or relationship breakdown. An impartial mediator attends a meeting with you and your ex-partner. The mediator will not take sides or tell you what to do but will encourage you to be open and honest and reach your own decisions. Mediation will only work if you both want to reach an agreement, even if you hold different views at the start.

Your solicitor or mediation service can advise you of the cost before you start. Ask if you are eligible for help with the cost through legal aid. See the list of useful organisations for help finding a mediator.

Using a solicitor to negotiate

If negotiating with the other parent directly or using a mediator is not appropriate or not successful, you may ask a solicitor to help you negotiate. You may also wish to seek help from a solicitor if you feel bullied or intimidated into making an agreement you are not happy with, or you have experienced domestic violence.

Your solicitor should be able to advise you on your rights and options. After considering these, you will need to be clear on what you want your solicitor to do. They may be able to talk to the non-resident parent’s solicitor, write letters and negotiate on your behalf.

Be sure to check the cost before you ask a solicitor to act on your behalf. You may be eligible for free help through the legal aid scheme. Legal aid is changing and it is expected that from 2012 less help will be available. Ask your solicitor to see if you are eligible.

Useful Organisations

Organisation: Family Mediation Helpline

Details: Provides general information on family mediation and can tell you whether your case may be suitable for mediation. Can also give information about eligibility for free help, and contact details for local mediation services.

Phone: 0845 60 26 627

URL: http://www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk




Organisation: Law Society

Details: Use the website to find a solicitor in your area.

Phone:

URL: http://www.lawsociety.org.uk




Organisation: National Family Mediation

Details: This is a local network of not-for-profit family mediation services, which offers a practical approach to resolving disputes between separated or separating couples. Aims to help individuals reach joint decisions on issues associated with their separation such as children, finance or property.

Phone: 0300 4000 636

URL: http://www.nfm.org.uk




Organisation: Resolution

Details: Association of solicitors specialising in family law, who adopt a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family problems. It can provide a list of local members. The website contains free information on issues such as splitting up, parenting apart and child maintenance. Resolution produce a booklet, Separation and divorce – Helping parents to help children, a practical guide to handling the emotional aspects of separation or divorce.

Phone: 0845 758 5671

URL: http://www.resolution.org.uk

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Deciding where your child should live

Asking the court to decide

If you can reach an agreement with your child’s other parent there is no need to go to court. Applying to the court should be seen as a last resort and only necessary if negotiation and mediation have failed, or are not suitable.

Court action can be lengthy and expensive. Parents may not always get the outcome they want. Before applying to the court you should get independent legal advice from a solicitor. See the list of useful organisations for details of how to find a solicitor.

You may need to apply to court urgently if, for example, your child has gone to live with the other parent. It may be that the longer your child is living with the other parent, the less likely the court will be to change the arrangement. You may also need to apply to court urgently if you think the other parent may attempt to remove the child from the country.

What is a residence order?

A residence order can be made by a court to say who a child should live with. It includes shared residence orders, where the court says the child should spend time living with each parent, although this does not necessarily have to be an equal amount of time. Shared residence orders have become more common.

A residence order usually lasts until a child is 16 (or 18 in exceptional circumstances). The court can change or end a residence order if an application is made and the court considers that it is in the child’s best interests for this to happen.

If you have a residence order for your child, you can take them abroad for up to a month without the consent of anyone else with parental responsibility, unless a court has ordered otherwise.

How does the court make a decision?

The main concern of the court is the child’s welfare and it will make a decision based on what it thinks is in your child’s best interests.

When making a decision, the judge has to consider the following, known as the welfare checklist:

• The wishes and feelings of the child, taking into account their age and understanding
• The child’s physical, emotional and educational needs
• The likely effect on a child of any change in their circumstances
• The age, sex and any relevant characteristics of the child
• Any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering
• How capable the parent is in meeting the child’s needs.

The court may also consider:

• How long a child has lived with a particular parent and who the main carer of the child was when the parents were together. This is especially the case for younger children. If a child has been settled with one parent for a long time, it may be more difficult for the other parent to change this arrangement
• The older a child is, the more likely it is that their wishes will be listened to
• The conduct of parents where this may affect their ability to care for the child. For example, where the parent has problems with drug abuse or alcoholism or has neglected the child
• Whether the child has any siblings. Unless there are exceptional circumstances, a court will be reluctant to separate brothers and sisters.

The role of Cafcass

Whoever is making the application to the court will complete a form stating why an application is being made. The court will set a date for the application to be heard and may ask the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, known as Cafcass, to become involved. Cafcass works with children and their families during the court process and advises the court on what it thinks is in the best interests of the child. Cafcass will try to speak to you and the other parent before the court hearing to find out more about the situation. It may also contact your local council and other services such as the police, to see if they hold any information that might show safety or welfare concerns about your children. Cafcass will write to the court before the first hearing, telling them about the work it has done.

Cafcass may also be asked by the court to write a report on what it considers to be in the best interests of your child. As part of the report, Cafcass will talk to your children, if they are old enough, about their wishes and feelings. Unfortunately, there can be a wait of several months for a Cafcass report. In this case, you may ask the court for an interim order that decides where a child should live in the meantime.

Changing a residence order

As long as everyone agrees to the change in residence, it can be made informally and there is no need to apply to the court to change the residence order. If either parent does not agree to the change then you may have to return to court. Get independent legal advice from a solicitor before applying to court.

Useful Organisations

Organisation: Cafcass

Details: Looks after the interests of children in family proceedings in England. It works with children and their families, then advise courts on what it considers to be in children’s best interests. The website has information about Cafcass for children, teenagers, parents and carers.

Phone: 0844 353 3350

URL: http://www.cafcass.gov.uk




Organisation: Cafcass Cymru

Details: Provides a voice for children in family court proceedings in Wales. It works with families and
children, then advise courts. Cases are referred to them by the courts.

Phone: 0300 062 5380

URL: http://wales.gov.uk/cafcasscymru




Organisation: Coram Children’s Legal Centre

Details: The child law advice line provides legal advice and information on all aspects of law and policy affecting children. Information is available on parental responsibility, contact and residence disputes.

Phone: 0808 8020 008

URL: http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com




Organisation: HM courts service

Details: Find information, court forms and guidance on how to complete them by looking on the website or visiting your local county court.

Phone:

URL: http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk




Organisation: Law Society

Details: Use the website to find a solicitor in your area.

Phone:

URL: http://www.lawsociety.org.uk

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Deciding where your child should live

Useful organisations

The following organisations can provide further help and information.

Useful Organisations

Organisation: Cafcass

Details: Looks after the interests of children in family proceedings in England. It works with children and their families, then advise courts on what it considers to be in children’s best interests. The website has information about Cafcass for children, teenagers, parents and carers.

Phone: 0844 353 3350

URL: http://www.cafcass.gov.uk




Organisation: Cafcass Cymru

Details: Provides a voice for children in family court proceedings in Wales. It works with families and
children, then advise courts. Cases are referred to them by the courts.

Phone: 0300 062 5380

URL: http://wales.gov.uk/cafcasscymru




Organisation: Citizen’s Advice

Details: Information and advice on a wide range of issues including benefits and tax credits.

Phone: England: 08444 111 444; Wales: 08444 77 20 20

URL: http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk




Organisation: Coram Children’s Legal Centre

Details: The child law advice line provides legal advice and information on all aspects of law and policy affecting children. Information is available on parental responsibility, contact and residence disputes.

Phone: 0808 8020 008

URL: http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com




Organisation: Family Lives

Details: Provides information and support on all aspects of parenting, including bullying, eating, exams, truancy, toddlers, teenagers and more.

Phone: 0808 800 2222

URL: http://www.familylives.org.uk




Organisation: Family Mediation Helpline

Details: Provides general information on family mediation and can tell you whether your case may be suitable for mediation. Can also give information about eligibility for free help, and contact details for local mediation services.

Phone: 0845 60 26 627

URL: http://www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk




Organisation: Family Rights Group

Details: Advises parents and other family members whose children are involved with or require children’s social care services because of welfare needs or concerns. The charity provides confidential advice to those living in England and Wales.

Phone: 0808 801 0366

URL: http://www.frg.org.uk




Organisation: Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline

Details: Free information on a range of issues including maintenance, benefits, tax credits, debt, employment, education, legal rights and holidays. Open Mondays to Fridays, 9.00am – 5.00pm, with extended opening on Wednesdays to 8.00pm.

Phone: Freephone 0808 802 0925

URL: http://www.gingerbread.org.uk




Organisation: HM courts service

Details: Find information, court forms and guidance on how to complete them by looking on the website or visiting your local county court.

Phone:

URL: http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk




Organisation: Law Society

Details: Use the website to find a solicitor in your area.

Phone:

URL: http://www.lawsociety.org.uk




Organisation: Men’s Advice Line

Details: Confidential helpline for men who have experienced or who are experiencing domestic abuse. Provides emotional support and practical advice including how to make yourself safer, where to get legal advice, how domestic abuse affects children and information for gay and bisexual men.

Phone: 0808 801 0327

URL: http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk




Organisation: National Domestic Violence Helpline

Details: The freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline is run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge. It is a national service for women experiencing domestic violence or their friends and families. A translation service is available.

Phone: 0808 2000 247

URL: http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk




Organisation: National Family Mediation

Details: This is a local network of not-for-profit family mediation services, which offers a practical approach to resolving disputes between separated or separating couples. Aims to help individuals reach joint decisions on issues associated with their separation such as children, finance or property.

Phone: 0300 4000 636

URL: http://www.nfm.org.uk




Organisation: One Parent Families Scotland Lone Parent Helpline

Details: Run by our partner organisation, the Lone Parent Helpline provides confidential advice and information for single parents in Scotland.

Phone: 0808 801 0323

URL: http://www.opfs.org.uk




Organisation: Relate

Details: Provides a counselling service especially for children and young people who are having problems at home. Also offers a range of services for couples, families and individuals and supports them at all stages of their relationships.

Phone: 0300 100 1234

URL: http://www.relate.org.uk




Organisation: Resolution

Details: Association of solicitors specialising in family law, who adopt a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family problems. It can provide a list of local members. The website contains free information on issues such as splitting up, parenting apart and child maintenance. Resolution produce a booklet, Separation and divorce – Helping parents to help children, a practical guide to handling the emotional aspects of separation or divorce.

Phone: 0845 758 5671

URL: http://www.resolution.org.uk




Organisation: Rights of Women

Details: Free, confidential legal advice by telephone for women on a wide variety of issues. Specialist areas include family law, lesbian parenting, divorce/relationship breakdown, children/contact issues and domestic violence.

Phone: 020 7251 6577

URL: http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

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